


feels first fury

by tselinoyarsk (tselina)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Death Wish, Gen, Mildly Dubious Consent, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violent Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 09:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6747829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tselina/pseuds/tselinoyarsk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I am not your dog. I am not your whore. I am not an Agent of Ren. I am not Kylo the Knightslayer. I am the child of heroes.  I am the son of the sky.</i><br/>Kylo Ren: Before & After. (Spoilers for TFA)</p>
            </blockquote>





	feels first fury

**Author's Note:**

> **CONTENT WARNING: PLEASE SEE "ADDITIONAL TAGS"**
> 
> this is not happy, nor is it healthy or very pleasant! i didn't list pairings because this isn't that kind of story. however, there _is_ hux/kylo content.

In the early days, when his master speaks to him, he feels first fury, not humility. He longs to say _I am not your dog. I am not your whore. I am not an Agent of Ren. I am not Kylo the Knightslayer. I am_ Ben Solo _. I am the child of heroes. I am the son of the sky._

Yet Snoke’s voice is too full of sinister logic, silken and sonorous and seeping deep in the tiny fissures of Ren's restless soul, widening them into great divides of uncertainty. All protests and pride wither, rusted on Ren's tongue. He obeys, and soon, is humbled.

**

He misjudged her.  He should have known better. _She_ is stronger, always was, though raw, untested. She is unpredictable, a desert storm, stripping with savage violence every layer of his tenuous grasp of self-control.

**

He does not lie to his father. He _is_ being torn apart. The Force struggles to have its Balance. It is the very _fabric_ of life, thus its battle within his mind has undone his muscle, his flesh and bone. Ren reassures himself that the fleeting warmth of his father’s final touch drew out the Light, like heat does against frosted metal, leaving Dark and Dark alone.

 _That_ is the lie.

**

When he wakes after battle with _her,_ he is delirious with fever and pain. He has healed poorly; his face burns from wounds that will become his forever marks of failure.

General Hux has sat vigil for him, but only Snoke’s orders keep him at Ren's side. The other man is disheveled, unmoored by rage at Ren’s insolence. His face is pinched and washed out, and his pale eyes brim with wrath so sublime Ren can _taste_ it. When Ren is able to rise from bed, he knows there will be blood and bruising waiting for him in another: Hux will try to rend asunder his battered body for all it is worth.

There will not be any pleasure in it for the general, not really. Ruining Ren will not bring back that ill-crafted weapon, or the lives thousands of mindless soldiers, or the glory Hux has been denied. For Ren, the punishment will be the pain he needs, a personal retribution, his final act of penitence.

Penance, now, because that last fluttering pulse from his father's heart -- the same steady beat that once lulled him to sleep as a child --  echoes and burns in his chest, more piercing than any blade of metal or light. The only comfort that remains is in his Master's chill patience, Snoke's grip slithering into his mind and choking his Force: _let go of love, let go of hope._

Ren looks once more at Hux's face. It is perfectly carved like the marble bust of a forgotten war god, lit with the red flame of the medbay lamps. He accepts the last drifting slivers of guilt, of the agony that roils inside Ben Solo's gut.

Kylo Ren buries the corpse of his past beneath the frozen wastes of his father's grave. He turns, at last, from the Light.

**

After, he lets Hux fuck him, and it is everything Ren knew it would be. Every bite is a smoldering brand, every thrust jostling his wounds to songs of agony. He opens his mind and relishes the General’s hate, so uncompromising, unyielding, a revelation of loathing so deep it is nearly _pure._

Ren thinks it is close to love as he will ever find again.

**

One day he will tell _her_ that she slew him amid the ash and snow, just to see what face she will make, what indignant confusion will burst from her, before she lunges, blood-thirsty, into battle. She has marked him as her prey, after all, the scars now deep and red. Perhaps then, she will strike to finish, to kill.

He prays she will.


End file.
